As I ended the month 10 in Cambodia, I prayed into the next month, Philippines. The Lord gave me some encouraging words, and my heart got excited. Despite not feeling the greatest physically, I was in a good place spiritually. My spirit was alive with energy, ready to go, and live up the last month on the World Race.
It's like at the end of any big game. You're not thinking about the previous 80 minutes of the game. All you are thinking about is the 10 minutes that are left in the game and how you want to leave every last drop of energy and sweat on the field... it has you digging deeper inside of yourself where you find more strength.... One last burst of energy, until the whistle blows and the game is finished. You are able to walk off the field knowing that you gave it your all.
That was where I was at, welllllll, that is - before arriving to the Philippines.
On the flight over, my stomach started turning, and when I got to the Philippines - my body hurt all over, I lost my appetite, food didn't like me, and I was exhausted. I went to the doctors without any forcing and the results come back stating I have the flu. I was sent home with some meds, told to rest, and drink fluids.
Now lying in bed is a difficult thing for me to do, especially when it's the last month, and I'm at an awesome, seriously, awesome ministry site. There are so many opportunities to join and be a part of.
Thankfully the Lord knew what I needed and we were given 3 rest days in Manila before flying over to Malaybalay, Mindanao where I've been with Kate and Kendall's team doing ministry with New Faith Home.
It's been a week and I can't say I'm feeling 100%. Actually I went back to the hospital in this town to get re-checked and receive more medicine. But slowly I'm making progress and experiencing a turning point!
One praise about being sick is that it's given me time to sit with the Lord, pray, think, and reflect.
What I am realizing is that I need to become a better sport when I'm sick. I was more frustrated at the situation. Getting annoyed at the smallest of things, like "how are you doing?" A question that I now normally appreciate when healthy.
But I let being sick get the best of me. Not only did I have the Philippine-o bug, but I was a bug too. Not so fun to be around. It even had me questioning myself and if I really heard God back in Cambodia.
Then I wake up today and have a revelation.
Getting sick was out of my control so I shouldn't get frustrated about it, and instead, need to rise above the situation and continue to seek God. I need to keep choosing to see more and become more.
Being sick is not the end of the world and who said that I was going to be sick the entire month? And even if I am, the Lord will still be with me, every step of the way.
So why am I so quick to become frustrated and question myself if what I heard from the Lord back in Cambodia was really true?
When we receive a prophetic word from the Lord, we must stand firm on it and continue to be confident in what we know to be true. God doesn't change.
Even if the word that I received from the Lord isn't being revealed in a way that I thought it would be, that's not to say it isn't being revealed. Because reality is, life isn't always going to look and come to pass how I envision life to be. It's just not the way it works.
So in those moments of being surprised by life circumstances, whether it's sickness or a sudden change of plans, I need to keep my focus.
Ok so back to the soccer analogy. Let's say during the 84th minute I suffer an injury that takes me out of the game. I still keep my focus, even if that means on the sideline. I can still bring encouragement to my teammates that are in the game and it isn't until the game is over that my focus on the game stops.
The Lord is always here to give me encouragement too, as I'm always able to ask the Lord for more of Him - to keep giving me eyes to see how He is choosing to move, to have ears to hear His voice and the promptings of the Holy Spirit of when He wants to use me to be Him in another person's life.
I was reminded me of this verse, as the Lord was convicting me of my attitude and how I need to shape up and snap out of it.
Be joyful always, pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the Spirit's fire.-1 Thessalonians 4:16-19
So here I am, pressing on in this journey of being a servant for Him.
*Addendum written on the 18th
A couple of days after writing this blog, my body still wasn't feeling it and in some ways I felt like I had relapsed. So yesterday I decided to go back to the hospital for a third go around. Results came back positive for typhoid. Yes! Finally we are able to treat something. I spent the night in the hospital to help speed up the process of recovery. Got discharged this morning. I am still not 100% but better than the day before so that's an answered prayer.
Prayers for health to finish this race healthy and strong would be awesome!
Feelings? You want to talk about feelings? A year ago, before
the race, you would have caught me having very little interest in this
question.
For so long I kept my heart in a safe, enclosed, box. This is
what allowed me to control my feelings, to not cry, and to be strong from the
world's standpoint.
I refrained from talking about my feelings as much as
possible because that meant you were talking about your heart and how your
heart may have been affected.
This is serious business, personal, and I was very protective
of my heart. When I weighed between allowing others in or keeping them at a distance,
I chose the safer route - one with less risk of being hurt by others.
But I'm quickly reminded that this mindset is not the only way
to look at feelings. I also need to weigh in the good things that come with letting
walls down. Talking about feelings creates deeper, stronger friendships and
develops even larger support systems that help us to experience God even more
and, ultimately, strengthen our relationship with Him.
Going on the World Race has helped get my heart out of this
enclosed box. Right away I began pealing away the extra, added on layers that covered my
heart. Here is a blog I wrote on this process back in month 1 back in Bulgaria.
Now this journey hasn't been easy and I can't say I've always
liked it. It takes time to get used to new surroundings and switching from my
comfortable box to a whole new playing field that is full of surprises. It's so
worth it though; that's what I remind myself on those days when the old Bri
wants to creep in and shut down.
The Spirit, alive and active in me, is what fuels my heart
beating even faster for the Lord and allows me to experience more of His
heartbeat. It is then what enables me to keep on giving, loving, and serving
the people around me and being the light in this dark world.
As I've arisen out of this box and continue to let my heart
be exposed and open, this has softened my heart and has allowed me to tangibly
feel God move even more. I have cried so much out here. At first, I didn't like
my tears. It annoyed myself that I could cry so easily. Some months I cry
weekly, even daily, multiple times. Pretty sure a month has not gone by where I
haven't cried. Sometimes even the way I respond to the Spirit moving in me is
my tears.
Tears are something my teammates associate me with and some of
them actually assumed that I always was an emotional, crying person. When I first heard this I was like, "no way" and initially my
guard wanted to come up, but as the months have gone by I've come to embrace my
tears.
They are bound to come out sometime, so why fight something
that isn't a big deal, and keep chasing after bigger and greater things with
the Lord.
Feelings are good.
Even though I don't always like the
unpredictability that comes with feelings, it's why I need to continuously be
checking in with my heart and responding to what the Spirit places on it.
For example, at the end of month 8 in Bangkok,
Thailand, I was exhausted and in a completely broken place. I needed God
to show up. I realized that I needed to give more over to the Lord, as I'm not
meant to carry extra burdens. For Jesus says, “my yoke is easy and my burden is
light.” So I did and it got me back on my feet again.
But here I am again, at the end of month 10, and
back in this exhaustion place. My heart is so tired and I need a new filling of
the Spirit. The Lord is showing me, yet again, that there are more burdens I
need to lay down.
A part of me asks myself, how did I allow myself to get to
this place again? Didn't I learn this back in month 8? I thought I laid down all
my burdens then.
Then I
had a wake up call. I did lay my burdens down back in Thailand- but it isn't a
one-time deal. Following Jesus is a daily thing and every day I must choose to lay myself down and pick up the cross of
Jesus, and this includes continually giving over my burdens to him too.
Checking
in with my feelings is healthy. In many ways, understanding my feelings has
given me more clarification to my life and has allowed me experience more of
God in new ways.
If I'm sad. why? If I'm bitter, is there a person I need
to forgive? If I'm full of peace, is this not encouragement that the place I'm
in is good and so right? If I'm frustrated, why? Is it something I just need to
get over or is this a holy frustration that the Lord wants to use me to bring
change?
My heart has been wrecked so much this year. Here I am on
month 10 and my heart continues to be broken. I have my moments of wanting to
be done with feelings, but big picture - I can't.
I must stay out of the box " I must continue to embrace my
tears and embrace any brokenness I experience. The Lord always brings the
pieces together and will reveal to me at the perfect timing the beauty He wants
me to see in the messes.
This life on earth is so much
like a roller coaster ride- wild, full of extreme speeds, highs and lows,
turns, flips, unpredictable.
Back in America, I am an avid roller coaster
fan. They're my main priority when I go to an amusement park. The higher, the
faster, the better. I'm the encourager to my little siblings-"hold up the
hands, come on, you gotta do it, it's fun, it'll be okay, be free, and enjoy
the ride."
The catch to riding a roller coaster in America
is that they only last 1-2 minutes and then you get off.In life though, we are on this crazy, wild ride until
we reach heaven and up until that heavenly moment, we come across highs, lows,
sudden turns and changes of pace that catch us by surprise; and straight down
drops that take away our breathe.
I am in an environment that is so much out of my
control and all I can really do is react
to what the Lord gives me - something I really do enjoy. But at the same time,
the unknown of when the tracks will switch from being smooth to rough can
some days leave me frustrated because a part of me likes the steady and my
initial thought is - "I'm all over the place."
In this place, the Lord is reminding me that
while I can't completely control the highs and lows that this roller coaster
ride is giving me, I can continue to grow in being steady with the Lord and my
responses to following Him in every aspect of my life. Because even without
having answers, I'm still able to do what the Lord wants me to do- embrace
the ride and let Him take care of the rest.
I am also being reminded of another awesome
characteristic that comes with rollers coasters - they are always moving,
whether in a turn, flip, or straight stretch.
So here I go, staying in motion. One more
go around on this World Race roller coaster ride, before the Lord has me
getting on a new one.
I am currently on day 297,
which also means I have less than 40 days out here on the field.
A questions I ask myself
is, "how is going back to America going to be?"
I've gotten pretty use to...
-cold showers
I am so
use to taking cold showers that I forget to even ask if hot is an option. We
were at an YWAM base in Penang, Malaysia and a week went by before I realized
that I could enjoy a hot shower, with just a flick of a switch.
-having rice served at
every meal
This is
something that I won't need to see in a loooooong time. One of the meals we get
served here in Cambodia is rice, French fries, and pineapple.
-hand washing clothing
-eating fresh, delicious
fruit
In
Cambodia, the popular fruit is mango and coconut. I always jump when a mango
drops out the tree and hits the tin roof of our bedroom and wakes me up in the
middle of a night too. As mango's sporadically free-fall, it's always a race
among us to see who is the champion and gets to it first.
-not flushing toilet paper
down the toilet
So define normal?
In some ways I feel like I've
become a creature of habit.
I've been eating the same
thing for breakfast since month 5- oatmeal
My clothes are on their
last treads... thin, old, worn out.
I feel like I've lost my
manners as I find myself eating off my teammates plates without even thinking
twice; or going to the mall and sitting on the dirty ground to eat my ice cream.
This leaves me asking myself, "oh what has the World Race done to me?"
I think one way to describe
this is... "What is mine is yours."
That's my life.
I share my clothes, I share
my food, I share my computer, I share anything and everything that I own, and
in this God is good.
He has given me new friends
and in this community I've been able to experience love and trust and friendship
that I've never experienced before... and has me being so thankful for this
journey.
So how is the transition
back to America going to be?
The same way I've
transitioned from month 1 to month 2 and all the way through month 11... and it's
been by having no expectations and just showing up... ready to adjust, adapt, and
dive right in any way possible and with this mindset, has helped me be able to
move, move, move, all around the world these past 10 months and experience
smooth transitions.
I'm over being dirty. I'm
over being smelly. I'm over dripping in sweat. I'm over the bugs that crawl all
over my mattress. I'm over the mosquitoes. I'm flat out over it.
I'm restless, anxious, got
an itching in me that has me antsy, this "ahhhhh" feeling inside of me that I
can't describe in words but is just getting at me, a frustration that I also
can't seem to pinpoint.
I feel like I haven't been
productive, which is the opposite of who I am.
I'm a go-getter, active
person. I don't like to waste time. If there is a checklist- I'm all about
checking them off as quickly as possible. I like to just "do the thing" already.
Now I realize there is a
balance that needs to be found in being a go-getter, which is having the ability
to stop, sit, and just be... and this is the place the Lord has me spiritually.
So with that said, I
believe some of my restlessness stems from the fact that sitting is hard, and
as a result of this challenge... there's been a flesh and spirit tension going on
inside of me.
My fleshly perspective is
grumpy, unsettled, so over where I'm at- living the simple life, dirty, jungle,
and dripping in sweat... yet when I snap out of it and tap into my spirit... I'm
filled with an abundance of peace and thankfulness to be able to experience
what I am experiencing and that get's a smile back on my face.
I can't look at this month
and say I've been unproductive. Now yes this month has looked a little
different to the rest of the months, but I am being taken back to the beginning
of this month and to what the Lord was putting on my heart... to rest in Him and
just be and live it up - in whatever way the Lord wants me to.
So with that said... I need
to snap out of being "over-it" and keep on rejoicing.
God really is in a good
mood, which means - Bri is in a good mood too.
Do
not be deceived; God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.
The one
who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction;
the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit he will reap eternal
life.
Let us not become weary in doing good,
for at the proper time
we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
- Galatians 6: 3-5, 7-9
"You reap what you sow."
This is one phrase that helps
me stay in the heavenly mindset and not be easily affected by outward
circumstances. Take for example, those difficult situations when I so badly
want to try and justify myself in not loving the person next to me who is so
annoying, I can't.
Because when I stand on
what I know to be true... I'm always called to love, always called to give,
always called to serve, always called to speak life and not lies or
discouraging words... no matter what.
Now I realize I'm not
perfect, I'm just being convicted that my actions aren't dependable on if
others are displaying love or not.
I am responsible for my
actions alone.
So even in those moments
when I don't "feel" like it... I must... and when I find it really challenging... I
have the ability to ask the Lord for more patience and kindness as well as continue
to trust in the Lord and rest knowing that He will never let me run completely
dry without filling me back up again.
When we think like this... I
believe it helps our focus...
I sow love... and I will reap
love.
I sow friends... and I will
reap friends.
I sow caring for others...
and I will reap be cared for.
I sow blessing others... and I
will reap being blessed.
What I need to remember is
that I'm not the one in control of when I receive the reaping. That's up to God
and His timing, but hey, this God is we're talking about... so with that said...
despite not knowing when I will reap... with His strength and power I must continue
sowing... even if it is so backwards to what my fleshly desires think I need.
God is.... wisdom. Protector. A giver. A blesser. He is able. Holy. Tender. Righteous. He empowers. He is willing. Pure. All-powerful. Un-changeable. He is everywhere. Just. Loving. Faithful. Merciful. Gracious. Provider. Redeemer. An encourager. Attentive. Fair. Disciplines. Forgiving. Father. Friend. Great. Awesome. Worthy. Majestic. Sovereign. Comforter... and the list never ends.
You are good, and what you do is good.
Psalm 119:68
The Lord is good, a refuge in
times of trouble.
- Nahum 1:7
God is good, all the time.
All the time, God is good.
This phrase holds truth, never changes, never loses weight... and remains true every day. No matter what situation I am in, the outcome remains the same.
God is good.
He is CONSTANT. A rock, steady, not easily wavered.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
Hebrew 13:8 "I the Lord do not change."
Malachi 3:6
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and increases the power of the weak. -Isaiah 40:28
He is independent and not dependent on anything or anyone else and instead isseparate, set above, and on His own level.... whereas, I am dependent and affected by the outside world- others, situations, circumstances, environment.
I have days when I wake up on a good note and it's easy for me to see the good. I also have those days when I wake up and it's a challenge to see good... either way, this doesn't change the fact that God is good and is why it's essential for me to find the good, see the good, receive the good, embrace the good, hold onto the good, use the good, or give away the good... whatever description fits best for the place I'm in.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28
Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
Psalm 34:10
As I hold onto this truth- God is good... I'm guaranteed to be encouraged from Him and will be given extra strength and determination to keep fighting in this spiritual battle that I'm up against. God's goodness is what helps me keep my hearts in the right place... one that is completely satisfied and made complete in Him.
God is good.
Remembering this phrase has also helped me reflect into my past and keep me moving forward and staying on track to chasing after more of Him.
Also helps to keep me in my place.
That God is good and I am not good, only good in Him.
This nullifies performance-based salvation and the mindset of... I do good and because of it... God gives me good. No. There is nothing more or less that I can do... to receive God's goodness, instead... it's because of who He is ... that He showers me with His goodness and I can either be receptive to what He wants to give me or I can try and make my life harder for myself and not receive God's goodness.
I'm learning more and more when I have a hard time receiving His goodness it's because of pride, shame, regret.... but this is no mindset that He wants me to have.
God is good and delights in giving His children good gifts.
No reason to hold onto the bad; the times that I messed up. There is no time to sit in the shame, or in the "I should of done this or I should of done that better" and never move from that place... because that is not who God is nor what He wants for me.
I am to learn from my mistakes and see the areas that I can grow in... to find good... and use my past experiences when I messed up... so I am able to react and respond differently in the future... and is one reason why I always want to stay in a place of having an open mindset- willing to learn, being teachable, and receptive to change.
Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things... -Psalm 103: 2-5
There have been a variety of
different ministry options this month- teaching English, being active in the
church services, manual labor, and doing house visits.
Since there are 11 of us...
we've split things up. Some teach more English classes while others do house
visits. This allows us to cover more ground.
I've been included in the
house visits and it's been great.
We leave around 8:30 a.m.
and have translators that join us since many of the people that live in this
village speak very little English, we then start walking until we come across
houses that have people inside and they welcome us in.
We are living out Matthew
10: 6-9
Go rather to the lost sheep of Israel. As you go,
preach this message: The kingdom of heaven is near. Heal the sick, raise the
dead, and cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have
received, freely give.
I've also been encouraged by
verses 12 and 13.
As you enter the home, give it your greetings. If the
home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it not, let your peace return
to you. If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust
off your feet when you leave that home or town.
Don't get offended when
people appear as if they aren't listening or aren't the most receptive, instead
keep moving forward in this journey of meeting new people and doing the job He
has given us- to be sharers of the good news.
1 Tim. 2: 1-4 has also
helped me stay focused in these house visits.
I urge, then first of all, that requests, prayers,
intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone- for kinds and all those in
authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and
holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be
saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.
First... to become saved....
... and then to find the
knowledge of the truth.
The first part- being saved...
is where many of the people in this village are at when it comes to
understanding the gospel, so that is area we need to meet for them.
Take for example, this house
visit with an older lady named New.
We asked her: "Do you know about
Jesus?"
Her response: "I've heard
about him but I don't understand."
This is a common response.
There is a lack of understanding. Either they have never heard about Him or
they have... but in a way that hasn't connected for them. Many of the older
generation people are Buddhist and so it's been very common to get questions on
the Old Testament such as wondering if killing an animal is a sin.
Even when they ask these
questions about the law... I see a part of these people... just seeking for more
understanding and clarification of what following Jesus looks like.
They've heard, but don't
understand.
This takes me back to the
basics...
... the gospel and
following Jesus is simple....
So this is what we've been
doing as we go on house visits.
Doing our best to meet the
people's needs... whether that be praying for their physical sickness and asking
the Lord to heal them or sharing the gospel in a way that we pray and trust
makes sense to them.
This is all a part of what
sharing the gospel looks like...
Doesn't need to be
complicated.
We are called to do our
part... and leave the rest up to God.
